Last Friday, two of the Freaker women got in a car.
But wait! The story doesn't end there! They got in a car and they drove for 16 hours through the darkest of all nights and arrived in the morning dew of a friendly city that never rains named Boston. They even listened to that Augustana song, but only once. Anyways, like any good representative would do, they made new friends! Some of those friends were homeless, some were peppy, some were dressed in garments that were not heteronormative for their currently assigned gender. But they all were bearded. Even the women.
This is one of their favorite new friends. Even though he was a bit raggedy, the girls could tell that this guy had a decent heart and wasn't going to mouth-foam (verb; to foam at the mouth) if he got confused or egocentric. He had slight abandonment issues and wasn't very talkative, but his past days of youth were apparently glorious.
Whats that? Oh. No, dummie. Not that grungy dude. We're taking about the dog.
He was one of our most statue-esque friends that the two Freakerladiez encountered along the way. This dog was laying on the side of the road in Cambridge, Massachusetts, presumably waiting for someone, somewhere to understand and utilize his original purpose: an oversized throw pillow. They made buddies and lovingly named him "Stray Dog" and left a dowry in the form of a Freaker to whoever this little doodie may or may not belong to.
This week, a tragedy occurred at Freaker World Headquarters, USA. We lost our intern, Matthew. Through the tears of our morning mourning, we agreed to throw Inter Matthew a funeral. (This is a lie. Only 1 person in the office thought that was a good idea.) This plan was quickly thwarted by a friend's novel idea of a "going-away party," which is basically just a funeral for beating hearts. (I would like to clarify: intern Matthew is not actually dead. He's just in Charlotte, and that's close enough.)
Anyways. I'd like to share with you the onslaught of presents we collected for Matthew the Not-Dead Un-Intern that celebrate our tender memories together:
Ah yes, I remember it fondly. This is when Alisha was Intern Matthew's father. The end.
So this was that one time when Intern Matthew decided to follow his childhood dream of becoming the "residentially drunken sailor of a small Irish nudist colony." We weighed the pros & cons and eventually concluded that we shouldn't be a big collective jerk about the situation, so instead we sacrificed Molly's face for the dignity of MatthewKind.
And as a final goodbye in the remembrance of Intern Matthew, we decided to see who's dangerously stalking him on the internet with a fun game of GOOGLE ANALYTICS! Remember last time we played this game? Things got weird.
SO! People can search for these terms and be directed to the same exact website that you (yes! you!) are reading RIGHT NOW!:
Dirty Plasma of Liberty named Matthew (Author's note: this one is the second link down. "Plasma Hammer" Disco outranked Intern Matthew's chances of victory on this one.)
Today we come to you with breaking news that is probably to be expected. Let's back up a baby-step.
For those of you who have not completed your medical training, Dissociative Identity Disorder is defined as such: "...The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states...that recurrently take control of behavior." Recently, we have showcased the extremely not-boring conditions of Multiple Personality Syndromes in Zach, Oliver, and Adrienne.
So it comes as no surprise that the disease has spread and Lauren is now also plagued with a chronic case of "playing-maniacal-dress-up."
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Full Metal Jackie. She works with bands that tend to incoherently scream obscenities and in her spare time she wallows in bad puns that tend to scare everybody in her general prescense. Her girlfriend's name is Jacknife Jenny, her childhood nickname is Grumbelina, she plays drums in the all-girl-cover-band named Black Sabbatha. She watches the movie Happy Killmore once a month with her favorite freaker, Goosebumps. She will probably cut you.
This is Nicole Bloomburger. She would be classified as a stay-at-home-mom if she had children, but she has no children and is therefore just a stay-at-home-. She busies herself with spending endless hours on Pinterest looking at other people's choice in curtains and preparing for garden parties by "pre-gaming" with a bottle of champagne and watching her pool-boy from unsuspecting corners of her rooftop lounge. His name is Gabriel. And he is extremely young, but very muscularly toned. Her favorite Freaker is Kuptakes!
Everybody has at least one alter-ego. Whether or not they choose to showcase it is what sets them apart from everybody else. Here at Freaker USA, we highly encourage pseudo-self expression by playing dress-up to really give that multiple-personality syndrome a sense of confidence.
Today, we will showcase two of Oliver's alternative personalities, and we have 5 bucks on the assumption that they will surprise no one.
This here is Willy the Kid. He is 4 1/2 years old and his favorite food is Capri Sun. Willy best friends are imaginary, but that does not make them any less adventurous. When he's not doing arts & crafts in pre-school, he spends time in a tree-house wearing a cape and planning a future adorned with both robots and dinosaurs. His Freaker of choice is Volitron.
This is Freddie Prinze Sr. His most prized personality traits are as follows: Possibly relating to his mother (that woman is never satisfied) and sometimes also his father (he is quite bold). He drives a little red corvette and his favorite outfit consists of a purple beret (not pictured.) His Freaker of choice is Purple Rain. He purple rains it all day long.
This report is a little late, but it's taken us a couple extra days to mentally process what went down last Saturday. April 7th, 2012 was the one year anniversary of launching our Kickstarter campaign that propelled us into space.
For those of you who have only recently been inducted into the Familia de' Freak, let us rewind for a hot second: Kickstarter is an online platform that provides funding for creative projects from people like you (and you! and you and you you and you!)
Freaker USA ended up raising $62,770 in 60 days, and 95.4% of we have done since last June was made possible by this campaign (SO THANK YOU! We love you! Unconditionally!) This was our pitch video:
Fast forward 365 days: we've since reached our Kickstarter goal, bought a boxtruck, converted it into a house, travelled the country for 4 months throwing free grilled cheese parties for the masses and recruiting an army of joy-warriors.
How does one begin to celebrate such an anniversary!? In the most American way possible. This is what we came up with:
The first thing on the list of "Most American Celebrations" always involves taking off your pants in public places.
...And also signing waver forms for travelling in three dimensions with risk of paralysis.
Onwards! We armed ourselves with pastel helmets & adequate security-padding-vests to set up a memorial for Aunt Jemima.
After that deliciously syrupy feat, we embarked on an upwards journey....
Our dear friends at Kitty Hawk Kites are certified freakified and invited us to the Outer Banks for a hang-gliding adventure quest! Saying "no" would have immediately transformed us into something resembling a combination of all the "bad guys" in every Will Smith movie to date. And who can team up against Will Smith? The correct answer: not us, dear friends.
Evidently, we cannot propel our bodies into the air WITH an American flag.... so we made LeighVoli hold down the patriot-fort as the rest of us hovered above her screeching George Michael's "Careless Whisper."
As the day turned into night, we dined with the Kittiest of all Hawks and all was merry... until we found an abundance of "Yoohoo and Friends" temporary tattoos. To give you a point of reference, this, fine chaps, is Yoohoo and Friends:
Oh, JOY!
What better way to celebrate the moment of our company's conception than to defile our employees with "temporary"** tattoos of characters named "Giggles"....on their FACE!
**Not as temporary as the name would lead you to believe.
Lauren was so ecstatic about her new tribal tendencies that she kart-wheeled over a fire and singed half of her bangs away!
Things got weird and she started mumbling something about "her boyfriend, the rapper Drake," so we quickly recovered our American flag and decided that any higher degree of celebration would finally end in the paralysis that we were warned of only 12 hours earlier.
...So thank you, Kickstarter and all of our wonderful supporters for making April 7th, 2012 a resounding success and April 8th, 2012 a horrible realization that somebody needs to start a crowd-funding campaign for more effective face soap.
It took us a whole 24 hours to realize that not everybody somehow "became" pregnant yesterday.
You sure did fool us! But meanwhile, we were fooling ourselves with a very special "fool the senses" dinner party! Don't understand completely? Here - maybe the official invitation will clear up the fuzzies (don't mind the part about smelling ourselves. That was... that is... somehow... irrelevant.)
By "Bill Clinton," Mr. Mellan actually meant "his mom," whose all time favorite holiday is April 1st! Festivities abound!
For those of you readers who are particularly hunger, let's take care of that problem:
Some of the specialties included vegan vomit (avocado salad!), hotdogs (that were actually cooked carrots! ahaha! fooled!) and of course, poo (brownies!)
There were also some very peculiar character foolings,
Here we have "Slick Rick" who enjoys golfing under the influence & driving cars even though he has been legally blind for 45 years.
And this here is Wily Willy, who spends his free time hunting invisible squirrels & fly fishing in the nude.
And what do we have here?! All aboard doppleganger express (that was awful... please forgive us.)
This is Oliver Mellan who enjoys everything. Especially that hat.
A couple weeks ago, our very own Oliver had a birthday extravaganza. We realized just how strangely the evening had devolved when we came-to in a laundromat at 1:30 am dancing in costumes that included but were not limited to: a unicorn, Sexy Sax Man, and the cast of a Lifetime movie about British runaways from 1983.
Welppp. This past Friday was Lauren's birthday.
...The worst part about birthdays is that you give full control of your day to somebody who is probably going to be reckless. Lauren is the perfect candidate to this theory, but she surprised us all with a new game: acting like civilized a-dults. Hokay. We'll give it a try.
For Zach's birthday, he was blindfolded and kidnapped to Hooters. It went so smashingly, we considered replaying the scenario (mostly just the Hooters part) with Lauren but she insisted that she wanted nothing to do with food and that 3pm was "rumble time" whatever that may mean.
She wanted the trashiest dive bar in Carolina Beach to be her celebratory "spiritual bar connection." So we played Taboo and made a fun game of making Justin roll around in the tobacco-stained sand when he messed up.
Alisha said something about accounting, so we symbolically fired her. Obviously, a grand time was had by all.
Where to next? WWACAD? (What would a civilized adult do?)
A drive to her parent's house in the peaceful countryside to munch on a peaceful dinner. With forks. Or whatever.
Things were going well until sommmmebody (blame Alisha.) decided to have a not-dry adventure in the marsh. Search & Rescue to commence!
And that's when we realized - after x number of years living in Wilmington, we are finally living in an episode of Dawson's Creek.
After the WB epiphany, things went downhill.
Our general conclusion was not that we failed at our goal of being "real adults," but rather that more adults should Superman each other and thus we excelled in imitating their responsible antics!
So happy birthday, Lauren. You are a toot.
And a gold star goes to everyone involved ... no unicorns were harmed in the making of this weekend.
We have decided to compile a list of legalities that proves we here at Freaker USA Inc. are pleasant employers and strive to create a peaceful work environment in which everyone feels both productive and comfortable.
First, a quick backstory:
The conclusion of our science shoot (for science!) was quite a success. We tricked our co-workers into signing up for this film by NOT telling them that they were going to be shirtless (Spring Break WOO!)
As expected, Lauren started blabbling on about some kind of "sexual harrassment in the workplace." So to remind her just how compassionate we are, we changed all of the desktop backgrounds in the office to something that would show how much we love and respect her:
For all of you out there that think this may be discriminatory, let us set the record straight:
Freaker USA is an equal opportunity employer!
We show our love & respect through sexual harassment in the workplace to everyone!
If you look closely, you eyes will get the honor and the pleasure of gracing Justin Mitchener's throbbing-hot bare chest. We fax things like this. To each other. Equal rights 4eva!
We here at Freaker USA also .... I'm not sure what to say here. It's pretty self explanatory, actually.
Freaker USA values it's employees and strives to grant them with spectacular workplace benefits and an unparralled level of personal acceptance. As you can see in the photo above, we fully celebrate all religious and national holidays. Like Spring Break (WOO!)
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So please feel free to send your best bikini photos along with your resume to freaker@freakerusa.com and rest in the comfort of knowing that we here at Freaker USA will never ever compromise your dignity for crude jokes and cheap thrills.
Yesterday Oliver built a ray-gun time-machine while Zach played dress-up. (Not lying, pinky promise.)
But our Mini Plasma Disk broke at 8:45 pm. Home Depot (the natural habitat of all Mini Plasma Disks) was to close in 15 minutes and our time machine couldn't properly function so we were in quite the sticky science spot. We were forced to use meer peasant technology and speed-drive to our beloved Depot Home.
We have obtained the Mini Plasma Disk Device with t-1 minute to spare! Onwards! To VICTORY!
Not everyone was as thrilled with our resounding scientific success. Haters gunna hate.
Back to the lab, Frank! We must continue our work. Our science work.
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Epilogue:
At the conclusion of the science, an unexpected side effect floored everyone involved in the experiment. Pete The Dog suddenly transformed into an 79 year old Russian babuska.
In an alternative universe of shiny bling and silk tophats, the Freakerteam is tumbling around on a red carpet. Two weeks ago, we went to Cucalorus' Evening At The Oscars with the intent purpose of being civilized adults. We failed.
When first entering the red carpet arena, we kept it together quite nicely. This lasted a total of 45 seconds.
But honestly, this wasn't our fault. Whoever created this carpet had wrestling on their minds. Texturally, this is what they would have wanted. And it was out of pure respect that we were honoring their wishes.
Giving pointers! NICE PANTS, JMitchener! I'm sure Zooey Deschanel loves them more than she loves Zach's pants!
Not a single member of the Freakerteam took note of the universally repeated phrase "you're doing it wrong." Instead, acrobatics commenced!
What we did realize: Playgrounds!
What we didn't realize: This fiasco was livestreaming on three movie screens indoors. We would apologize to the masses who had to witness anything that may be deemed inappropriate... but.. we're not very sorry.
