Posted by Freaker USA on May 14, 2012
Last Friday, two of the Freaker women got in a car.
But wait! The story doesn't end there! They got in a car and they drove for 16 hours through the darkest of all nights and arrived in the morning dew of a friendly city that never rains named Boston. They even listened to that Augustana song, but only once. Anyways, like any good representative would do, they made new friends! Some of those friends were homeless, some were peppy, some were dressed in garments that were not heteronormative for their currently assigned gender. But they all were bearded. Even the women.
This is one of their favorite new friends. Even though he was a bit raggedy, the girls could tell that this guy had a decent heart and wasn't going to mouth-foam (verb; to foam at the mouth) if he got confused or egocentric. He had slight abandonment issues and wasn't very talkative, but his past days of youth were apparently glorious.
Whats that? Oh. No, dummie. Not that grungy dude. We're taking about the dog.
He was one of our most statue-esque friends that the two Freakerladiez encountered along the way. This dog was laying on the side of the road in Cambridge, Massachusetts, presumably waiting for someone, somewhere to understand and utilize his original purpose: an oversized throw pillow. They made buddies and lovingly named him "Stray Dog" and left a dowry in the form of a Freaker to whoever this little doodie may or may not belong to.
The end.
Posted by Freaker USA on May 11, 2012
This week, a tragedy occurred at Freaker World Headquarters, USA. We lost our intern, Matthew. Through the tears of our morning mourning, we agreed to throw Inter Matthew a funeral. (This is a lie. Only 1 person in the office thought that was a good idea.) This plan was quickly thwarted by a friend's novel idea of a "going-away party," which is basically just a funeral for beating hearts. (I would like to clarify: intern Matthew is not actually dead. He's just in Charlotte, and that's close enough.)
Anyways. I'd like to share with you the onslaught of presents we collected for Matthew the Not-Dead Un-Intern that celebrate our tender memories together:
Ah yes, I remember it fondly. This is when Alisha was Intern Matthew's father. The end.
So this was that one time when Intern Matthew decided to follow his childhood dream of becoming the "residentially drunken sailor of a small Irish nudist colony." We weighed the pros & cons and eventually concluded that we shouldn't be a big collective jerk about the situation, so instead we sacrificed Molly's face for the dignity of MatthewKind.
And as a final goodbye in the remembrance of Intern Matthew, we decided to see who's dangerously stalking him on the internet with a fun game of GOOGLE ANALYTICS! Remember last time we played this game? Things got weird.
SO! People can search for these terms and be directed to the same exact website that you (yes! you!) are reading RIGHT NOW!:
Dirty Plasma of Liberty named Matthew (Author's note: this one is the second link down. "Plasma Hammer" Disco outranked Intern Matthew's chances of victory on this one.)
Jock Jams? SMELL THE COOKIN MATT (Author's note: ....No comment.)
Matthew ended history's greatest bro fight (Author's note: TRUE STORY, BRO!)
Gyrating matthew in da club (Authors note: this one may have actually been my fault.)
Posted by Freaker USA on May 07, 2012
Last week we showcased the fake mental illnesses of two of our team members. Zach's very distinct alter-egos included Smidel Smastro and "That Guy," ...both of whom are a necessary addition to parties if you're in the market for Grey Ukranians and Revolutionary Yelling. Oliver has multiple personalities also, including but not limited to: Willie the Kid and Freddie Prinze Sr.
Today, we're turning the psychological camera on Adrienne, a beauty whose face has adorned the tag of every freaker that has had the honor and pleasure of freaking your person (or your dog. or hairbun. maybe even bottle.)
At first glance, one would assume this majestic being is mentally sound:
PSYCHE! JOKES ON YOU! THIS GIRL IS NUTS.
Let's take a look at some of her alter-egos of splendor:
This is Candy Sue. She is currently enrolled in The Sacred Artichoke Heart, a boarding school in the New New Hampshire. Her favorite subject is "recess" and she has a very specific seat in the library where she eats her lunch everyday (which consists of gummy bears and scraps of wallpaper she finds peeling off in the principle's office.) You can often find her skipping in a field of flowers humming every line of her favorite episodes of The Magic Schoolbus. Her favorite Freaker is No. 2.
This fine young lady goes by the name of TwinkleStar UnicornDust. Her life goals include: building the world's largest lollypop from glitter, constructing a technologically sound dress that changes colors with her mood, and travelling to Japan. (Spoiler alert: she will accomplish all of these goals.) Her favorite animal is a neon panda, her favorite film is Princess Monoke, and her favorite Freaker is Pan Ki Moon.
Posted by Freaker USA on April 18, 2012
We've been having a love affair with the fine folks at Kitty Hawk Kites. Yes, these are the same guys that carry Freakers in adventure-mode and took us hang gliding and aided in the full-facial tattoos of our employees... But now they've raised the awesome-bar yet again. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, you ask? Very carefully, my friends:
There it is. A Vreaker.
Solely because nothing can ever top this, our lives have been hilariously ruined.
Posted by Freaker USA on March 26, 2012
It's election season again! Instead of choosing between two brutally opposing enemies, we're going with the only choice that makes us groove our bodies.
Our hometown sweethearts, SoftSpot, is up for "Artist of the Month" for The Deli magazine! If you're unsure of who Softspot is, it's a beautiful day outside and you deserve a treat. Get your eargrapes on this, they will thank you.
Also, the voting process could be aesthetically easier, so we've made a very official map for you:
Also in the news, Softspot is in the midst of an east coast tour at the moment! Track em' down! Wiggle your fingers! Your joyfingers!
Monday, you are spectacular!
Posted by Freaker USA on March 23, 2012
March 23rd, 2012 (that's today!!) is a very special day in our universal mission to Freak the World!
First off, we are packaging a whooooole boatload of Freakers and shipping them off to Japan! We are working like busy little worker bees to the endless soundtrack of classic cultural gems (?!) like Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto!
Now you have a fanTASTIC excuse to fly yourself to Japan and stop in a
Beams to get all kinds of Freaky!
So very official!
But wait! There's more! From a very scientific source, it seems that the most unlikely place on earth has been thoroughly freaked. I will give you a 4 seconds to guess where that may be...
3....
2...
1....
IT'S TRUE! ANTARTICA HAS BEEN FREAKED!
Waddledoo has been released into his natural habitat! All those penguins better behave, though. Word on the street is that there is a new kind of punishment for Antartica antics (Antartics? Arntics?)...
Be careful out there, dear Waddledoo.
(Can we give a collectively epic round of applause to Travis Miles for freaking Antartica?! And also to Japan for being generally awesome.)
TGIF, Freakz!
Posted by Freaker USA on March 13, 2012
Hey Austin! Remember when we galloped in the fields together and snuggled over grilled cheese sandwiches? That sure was magical. I wish we could break the gooey-bread with you again... maybe today.
These are lofty dreams for us, but our dear Bake-Sale-Assistant Leigh Voli is currently in your glory hole at none other than the House of Creatives SXSW! And what are they going to get you involved in?
COOZIE-BURNING, CHEESE-EATING, BODY-GROOVIN, GOOD-LOOKIN, ROCK-N-ROLLIN!
All the deetz that are fun to know but you're going anyway, so we'll just throw these in for tradition:
Allah-las is jamming @ 3:00
Capsula performs @7:00
Freaker Grilled Cheese/ coozie burning party @9:00
Pool Party!!!
The amazing Anthony Flores is here to represent Super Sunglasses and Urban Ears (tweet@ tweetenglish)
Mattie Krall is the house photographer for tonight
Russ Roe will be shooting people with video allllwayz
And of course, the lovely Seasick Mama will be prancing around in all of her glory
This is where you'll be:
And
this is what happened last time Freakers + Super Sunglasses + House of Creatives teamed up:
So gather up your partyboots & emptybellies and come get freaked by the stars!
For locational specifics: rsvp@thehouseofcreatives.com
Posted by Freaker USA on March 07, 2012
Last time we "experienced" an airport, a TSA agent sternly ordered Zach to "Shut your mouth, boy" after he was found hysterically giggling in the not-at-all-intrusive body scanners.
Yesterday, we had a dear & freaky friend fly into Wilmington and because it was his first time in our precious town, we decided to greet him in a non-molesting way. Well. Kind of.
We debated on whether or not photos of "Jaybird" beanie babies would trigger disturbing childhood memories. Eventually it was agreed upon that even if beanie babies held horrific connotations, Angry Birds cutouts would balance the emotional budget.
Lauren decided that this was the most threatening "TSA stance." After receiving an abundance of questioning looks, we knew Jay was the guy for us when he did a little shimmy down the airport's sheep gate. WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JAY!
The TSA may have full-body scanners, but we have full-body bearhugs. BAM!
Posted by Freaker USA on February 22, 2012
Last week, Zach's sister had a BAAAYBEEE!!!! This was the result:
World, I'd like you to meet Otto Xavier Stein. The little freakydeak will surely rule the magic world of the freak kingdom someday!
(Photo: courtesy of Biandi Arts!)
Posted by Freaker USA on February 22, 2012
Our dearest dear of all the dears,
Seasick Mama who runs the brilliantly charged House of Creatives will be in Wilmington tonight for a tasty listening party of her new EP, Dead Like Money! Come to Satellite to give the little lady a warm welcome to Wilmington and wallow in the collective freak!
You may recognize Seasick Mama from a past Freaker life of howdyrowdys:
She is the foxy fox with limbs in between Zach's legs. Obviously.
(See you there, or something about squares.)
