Posted by Freaker USA on May 16, 2012
Oh gee golly, guess what you're doing this weekend? Going to the The Carolina's Brewery Invitational beer fest in downtown Wilmington? I thought so! And guess what else? WE'RE GOING TO THE DOWNTOWN BEER FEST TOO! ...What a coincidence.
Whats that? You weren't planning on going to Beer Fest? Well, here is what you were going to miss. (Word choice of"Going to" because this is probably going to change your mind:)
- 6 musical adventures! 3 of which are in the Freaker boxtruck!!!!
- Unlimited free beer samples from microbreweries mainly in North Carolina!! Carolina Brewing Company? Check. Mother Earth? Check. Duck-Rabbit? Double-whammie CHECK!
- Free afterparty from 8-10!
And a whole slew of other fun activities for the whole family (but mostly just the "fun" cousins that are 21+) Get cho' tickets here and come rally with us in the boxtruck! GAME FACES? ON!
Posted by Freaker USA on April 23, 2012
This past weekend was national Record Store Day! For music lovers and small-business enthusiasts, RSD is comparable to a Christmas-BlackFridayBirthday-IndependenceDay (both the Will Smith movie AND America day!) flash-mob rave of delicious goodness!
Wilmington's hometown heros joined forces at the kingdom-of-rad, Gravity Records, to celebralte the occasion! Craft beer was provided by local brewing company, Good Vibes. Give-aways were made possible by Wilmington's finest: Edge of Urge, Soapbox Laundro-Lounge, i heart miKA, and a whole slew of others!
To cherry-top (not to be confused with Carrot Top) it all, the Freaker boxtruck was in full force as a musical stage for a Carolina jubilation celebration! Mike Blair and the Stone Walls rocked our socks into a third dimension and then The Love Language formed a power-trio that left us delirious in the way only exotic birds, extreme sports, and rock-n-roll can induce.
Photo documentation? On it:
The owner of Gravity Records (and also this town's heart, collectively) King Keen.
Dogs for dawgs!
If you haven't given your ears the special treat of The Love Language, I'm sure they would appreciate it if you changed that fact. Carolina crusaders!
Posted by Freaker USA on March 23, 2012
Last night we got the first phone call of our new film careers! We called our chauffeurs and had them drive us around in bedazzled limousines and popped at least 69 bottles of sparkling grape juice. We sashayed onto the set and flawlessly nailed every scene in such a spectacular show of confidence and raw talent that every director in the Northern Hemisphere has been clawing at our phone lines in sweet sweet desperation for the now-famed Freakerteam.
One small detail: When we say the "Freakerteam," we actually mean "The Boxtruck."
Here you can see the new Star of the Silver Screen in it's specialty move that plummeled the diesel engine to fame: Standing Still ("Parking" if you want to get technical with film lingo. Snob.)
We'll give you the official press release when the time comes closer, but just know that the Lifetime Channel will never be the same.
Posted by Freaker USA on March 19, 2012
A couple weeks ago, our very own Oliver had a birthday extravaganza. We realized just how strangely the evening had devolved when we came-to in a laundromat at 1:30 am dancing in costumes that included but were not limited to: a unicorn, Sexy Sax Man, and the cast of a Lifetime movie about British runaways from 1983.
Welppp. This past Friday was Lauren's birthday.
...The worst part about birthdays is that you give full control of your day to somebody who is probably going to be reckless. Lauren is the perfect candidate to this theory, but she surprised us all with a new game: acting like civilized a-dults. Hokay. We'll give it a try.
For Zach's birthday, he was blindfolded and kidnapped to Hooters. It went so smashingly, we considered replaying the scenario (mostly just the Hooters part) with Lauren but she insisted that she wanted nothing to do with food and that 3pm was "rumble time" whatever that may mean.
She wanted the trashiest dive bar in Carolina Beach to be her celebratory "spiritual bar connection." So we played Taboo and made a fun game of making Justin roll around in the tobacco-stained sand when he messed up.
Alisha said something about accounting, so we symbolically fired her. Obviously, a grand time was had by all.
Where to next? WWACAD? (What would a civilized adult do?)
A drive to her parent's house in the peaceful countryside to munch on a peaceful dinner. With forks. Or whatever.
Things were going well until sommmmebody (blame Alisha.) decided to have a not-dry adventure in the marsh. Search & Rescue to commence!
And that's when we realized - after x number of years living in Wilmington, we are finally living in an episode of Dawson's Creek.
After the WB epiphany, things went downhill.
Our general conclusion was not that we failed at our goal of being "real adults," but rather that more adults should Superman each other and thus we excelled in imitating their responsible antics!
So happy birthday, Lauren. You are a toot.
And a gold star goes to everyone involved ... no unicorns were harmed in the making of this weekend.
Posted by Freaker USA on March 15, 2012
We have decided to compile a list of legalities that proves we here at Freaker USA Inc. are pleasant employers and strive to create a peaceful work environment in which everyone feels both productive and comfortable.
First, a quick backstory:
The conclusion of our science shoot (for science!) was quite a success. We tricked our co-workers into signing up for this film by NOT telling them that they were going to be shirtless (Spring Break WOO!)
As expected, Lauren started blabbling on about some kind of "sexual harrassment in the workplace." So to remind her just how compassionate we are, we changed all of the desktop backgrounds in the office to something that would show how much we love and respect her:
For all of you out there that think this may be discriminatory, let us set the record straight:
Freaker USA is an equal opportunity employer!
We show our love & respect through sexual harassment in the workplace to everyone!
If you look closely, you eyes will get the honor and the pleasure of gracing Justin Mitchener's throbbing-hot bare chest. We fax things like this. To each other. Equal rights 4eva!
We here at Freaker USA also .... I'm not sure what to say here. It's pretty self explanatory, actually.
Freaker USA values it's employees and strives to grant them with spectacular workplace benefits and an unparralled level of personal acceptance. As you can see in the photo above, we fully celebrate all religious and national holidays. Like Spring Break (WOO!)
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So please feel free to send your best bikini photos along with your resume to freaker@freakerusa.com and rest in the comfort of knowing that we here at Freaker USA will never ever compromise your dignity for crude jokes and cheap thrills.
Posted by Freaker USA on March 14, 2012
This may further disturb the SEO gods for when people search for "erotic home depot photos" on google, but it's a true story and thus my job is to tell it.
Yesterday Oliver built a ray-gun time-machine while Zach played dress-up. (Not lying, pinky promise.)
But our Mini Plasma Disk broke at 8:45 pm. Home Depot (the natural habitat of all Mini Plasma Disks) was to close in 15 minutes and our time machine couldn't properly function so we were in quite the sticky science spot. We were forced to use meer peasant technology and speed-drive to our beloved Depot Home.
We have obtained the Mini Plasma Disk Device with t-1 minute to spare! Onwards! To VICTORY!
Not everyone was as thrilled with our resounding scientific success. Haters gunna hate.
Back to the lab, Frank! We must continue our work. Our science work.
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Epilogue:
At the conclusion of the science, an unexpected side effect floored everyone involved in the experiment. Pete The Dog suddenly transformed into an 79 year old Russian babuska.
To be continued......
Posted by Freaker USA on March 07, 2012
Last time we "experienced" an airport, a TSA agent sternly ordered Zach to "Shut your mouth, boy" after he was found hysterically giggling in the not-at-all-intrusive body scanners.
Yesterday, we had a dear & freaky friend fly into Wilmington and because it was his first time in our precious town, we decided to greet him in a non-molesting way. Well. Kind of.
We debated on whether or not photos of "Jaybird" beanie babies would trigger disturbing childhood memories. Eventually it was agreed upon that even if beanie babies held horrific connotations, Angry Birds cutouts would balance the emotional budget.
Lauren decided that this was the most threatening "TSA stance." After receiving an abundance of questioning looks, we knew Jay was the guy for us when he did a little shimmy down the airport's sheep gate. WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JAY!
The TSA may have full-body scanners, but we have full-body bearhugs. BAM!
Posted by Freaker USA on February 28, 2012
Once upon a time, Oliver Mellan was born. (Born from a woman, just to clarify) Last week, we celebrated this historical event with valor & also a little bit of velour. Here is the documentation that this shindig actually happened, because it would have been debatable without them:
Beauty & The Feast
The other magical wonderland. (Please note: No Unicorns were harmed in the making of this hot mess. Freaker USA does not condone unicorn violence in any form.)
Official mandate of 10:45 pm: Take your shirts off or kindly escort yourself out. Also, we fully understand that there have been limited non-interactions with Sexy Sax Man in the past week, and therefore we present to you.... that guy....as a viable substitute.
If we have gained any wisdom from the results of Oliver's birthday extravaganza, it is this: Everyday should be a costume party. So thank you, Oliver Mellan, for being born and spreading your wig-loving/shirt-hating light across the world!
Posted by Freaker USA on February 22, 2012
Our dearest dear of all the dears,
Seasick Mama who runs the brilliantly charged House of Creatives will be in Wilmington tonight for a tasty listening party of her new EP, Dead Like Money! Come to Satellite to give the little lady a warm welcome to Wilmington and wallow in the collective freak!
You may recognize Seasick Mama from a past Freaker life of howdyrowdys:
She is the foxy fox with limbs in between Zach's legs. Obviously.
(See you there, or something about squares.)
Posted by Freaker USA on February 07, 2012
The crew of Iron Man 3 has a very professional love note coming their way.
#Freaked
