Posted by Freaker USA on May 14, 2012
Last Friday, two of the Freaker women got in a car.
But wait! The story doesn't end there! They got in a car and they drove for 16 hours through the darkest of all nights and arrived in the morning dew of a friendly city that never rains named Boston. They even listened to that Augustana song, but only once. Anyways, like any good representative would do, they made new friends! Some of those friends were homeless, some were peppy, some were dressed in garments that were not heteronormative for their currently assigned gender. But they all were bearded. Even the women.
This is one of their favorite new friends. Even though he was a bit raggedy, the girls could tell that this guy had a decent heart and wasn't going to mouth-foam (verb; to foam at the mouth) if he got confused or egocentric. He had slight abandonment issues and wasn't very talkative, but his past days of youth were apparently glorious.
Whats that? Oh. No, dummie. Not that grungy dude. We're taking about the dog.
He was one of our most statue-esque friends that the two Freakerladiez encountered along the way. This dog was laying on the side of the road in Cambridge, Massachusetts, presumably waiting for someone, somewhere to understand and utilize his original purpose: an oversized throw pillow. They made buddies and lovingly named him "Stray Dog" and left a dowry in the form of a Freaker to whoever this little doodie may or may not belong to.
The end.
Posted by Freaker USA on May 08, 2012
Today we come to you with breaking news that is probably to be expected. Let's back up a baby-step.
For those of you who have not completed your medical training, Dissociative Identity Disorder is defined as such: "...The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states...that recurrently take control of behavior." Recently, we have showcased the extremely not-boring conditions of Multiple Personality Syndromes in Zach, Oliver, and Adrienne.
So it comes as no surprise that the disease has spread and Lauren is now also plagued with a chronic case of "playing-maniacal-dress-up."
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Full Metal Jackie. She works with bands that tend to incoherently scream obscenities and in her spare time she wallows in bad puns that tend to scare everybody in her general prescense. Her girlfriend's name is Jacknife Jenny, her childhood nickname is Grumbelina, she plays drums in the all-girl-cover-band named Black Sabbatha. She watches the movie Happy Killmore once a month with her favorite freaker, Goosebumps. She will probably cut you.
This is Nicole Bloomburger. She would be classified as a stay-at-home-mom if she had children, but she has no children and is therefore just a stay-at-home-. She busies herself with spending endless hours on Pinterest looking at other people's choice in curtains and preparing for garden parties by "pre-gaming" with a bottle of champagne and watching her pool-boy from unsuspecting corners of her rooftop lounge. His name is Gabriel. And he is extremely young, but very muscularly toned. Her favorite Freaker is Kuptakes!
Posted by Freaker USA on May 07, 2012
Last week we showcased the fake mental illnesses of two of our team members. Zach's very distinct alter-egos included Smidel Smastro and "That Guy," ...both of whom are a necessary addition to parties if you're in the market for Grey Ukranians and Revolutionary Yelling. Oliver has multiple personalities also, including but not limited to: Willie the Kid and Freddie Prinze Sr.
Today, we're turning the psychological camera on Adrienne, a beauty whose face has adorned the tag of every freaker that has had the honor and pleasure of freaking your person (or your dog. or hairbun. maybe even bottle.)
At first glance, one would assume this majestic being is mentally sound:
PSYCHE! JOKES ON YOU! THIS GIRL IS NUTS.
Let's take a look at some of her alter-egos of splendor:
This is Candy Sue. She is currently enrolled in The Sacred Artichoke Heart, a boarding school in the New New Hampshire. Her favorite subject is "recess" and she has a very specific seat in the library where she eats her lunch everyday (which consists of gummy bears and scraps of wallpaper she finds peeling off in the principle's office.) You can often find her skipping in a field of flowers humming every line of her favorite episodes of The Magic Schoolbus. Her favorite Freaker is No. 2.
This fine young lady goes by the name of TwinkleStar UnicornDust. Her life goals include: building the world's largest lollypop from glitter, constructing a technologically sound dress that changes colors with her mood, and travelling to Japan. (Spoiler alert: she will accomplish all of these goals.) Her favorite animal is a neon panda, her favorite film is Princess Monoke, and her favorite Freaker is Pan Ki Moon.
Posted by Freaker USA on May 02, 2012
Last week, we showed you the other side(s) of Oliver's charmbuckets, which included Willy the Kid and Freddie Prinze Sr. This week, we're turning the searchlight into the depths of Zach's multiple personality syndrome.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the labyrinth of Zach's fake mental issues.
I'd like to formally introduce you to the noble man named Smidel Smastro. He is the proud CEO of a small island resort. His most cherished artist is Chingy and you can often find him in a hammock quietly humming "Whachu doin? Oh nuttin, chillen at the Holiday Inn" while enjoying a virgin daiquiri and a grape lollipop. He looooooooves America and is constantly asking the US govenment for Virginian grown cigar "swag." His favorite Freaker is Cuba.
This is what we refer to as "That Guy," but only because he's never actually voiced his real name. It may have something to do with his uncanny obsession with some drink called "Beige Ukrainians" or whatever. He likes sports, but only the type with minimal physical-exertion and on the weekends, he hangs out with rich dudes and saucy redheads. We're still not sure how these friendships were originally formed but they seem solid enough. Right? His favorite Freaker is The Dude.
Posted by Freaker USA on April 30, 2012
Where we sit our butts everyday:
The Official Freaker World Headquarters.
Posted by Freaker USA on April 25, 2012
Everybody has at least one alter-ego. Whether or not they choose to showcase it is what sets them apart from everybody else. Here at Freaker USA, we highly encourage pseudo-self expression by playing dress-up to really give that multiple-personality syndrome a sense of confidence.
Today, we will showcase two of Oliver's alternative personalities, and we have 5 bucks on the assumption that they will surprise no one.
This here is Willy the Kid. He is 4 1/2 years old and his favorite food is Capri Sun. Willy best friends are imaginary, but that does not make them any less adventurous. When he's not doing arts & crafts in pre-school, he spends time in a tree-house wearing a cape and planning a future adorned with both robots and dinosaurs. His Freaker of choice is Volitron.
This is Freddie Prinze Sr. His most prized personality traits are as follows: Possibly relating to his mother (that woman is never satisfied) and sometimes also his father (he is quite bold). He drives a little red corvette and his favorite outfit consists of a purple beret (not pictured.) His Freaker of choice is Purple Rain. He purple rains it all day long.
Posted by Freaker USA on March 02, 2012
In an alternative universe of shiny bling and silk tophats, the Freakerteam is tumbling around on a red carpet. Two weeks ago, we went to Cucalorus' Evening At The Oscars with the intent purpose of being civilized adults. We failed.
When first entering the red carpet arena, we kept it together quite nicely. This lasted a total of 45 seconds.
But honestly, this wasn't our fault. Whoever created this carpet had wrestling on their minds. Texturally, this is what they would have wanted. And it was out of pure respect that we were honoring their wishes.
Giving pointers! NICE PANTS, JMitchener! I'm sure Zooey Deschanel loves them more than she loves Zach's pants!
Not a single member of the Freakerteam took note of the universally repeated phrase "you're doing it wrong." Instead, acrobatics commenced!
What we did realize: Playgrounds!
What we didn't realize: This fiasco was livestreaming on three movie screens indoors. We would apologize to the masses who had to witness anything that may be deemed inappropriate... but.. we're not very sorry.
Love you!
(Photos by Nick Matthews & Lahna Harper)
Posted by Freaker USA on February 24, 2012
This happened.
Posted by Freaker USA on February 23, 2012
Ladies and gentlemen,
We have pretty heavy news for you. You may want to sit down for this. I apologize in advance if this news dampens your otherwise joyous day, but breaking broadcasts of deeply-felt importance like these are sometimes necessary.
Posted by Freaker USA on February 22, 2012
Last week, Zach's sister had a BAAAYBEEE!!!! This was the result:
World, I'd like you to meet Otto Xavier Stein. The little freakydeak will surely rule the magic world of the freak kingdom someday!
(Photo: courtesy of Biandi Arts!)
