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IT'S CRUNCH TIME, Y'ALL. December 25th is sneaking up like a crouching tiger, hidden drag queen. How many of you haven't started your shopping yet? You're not alone. (THERE ARE DOZENS OF US.) Don't worry though. Beautiful, universal, handmade, functional, thoughtful gifts still exist. We're here to help: WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the perfect gifts from Bean & Bailey Ceramics! Nestled in the wonderland of Chattanooga, TN, Bean & Bailey is a sweet team of two that produces small-batch functional porcelain pots. The hanging crystal planters are particularly lovely: "the faceted beauty will dangle perfectly, displaying air plants, succulents, or even flowers with grace and sophistication." Christmas procrastinators, meet your knight in porcelain armor. Each winner gets a hanging crystal planter, and two holiday Freakers! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Facebook, find this graphic, and leave a comment with the most thoughtful gift you've received for your chance to win! Help procrastinators brainstorm, and let us shower you in presents. Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

We're officially in the war trenches of holiday season. Long travels + extended family + icy weather + shorter days + christmas lists + expected & unconditional holiday cheer = you deserve a drink. Make sure it's a good one. We're here to help. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring boozy infusion kits from Vena's Fizz House! Nestled in the romanticism of Portland's small business community, Vena's Fizz House offers a sip of nostalgia with their craft soda bar & cocktail shop.Lucky for the rest of us non-Portlanders, Vena's Fizz also offers booze infusion kits with zero chemicals, preservatives, or high fructose corn syrups. The kits use freeze dried fruits, herbs, and bitter infused sugar cubes to flavor your alcohol. Each winner gets a Infusion Kit from Vena's Fizz House, and two holiday Freakers! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Instagram and show us what keeps you sane during the holiday season. Use the hashtag #FreakerFizz for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

Thanksgiving is next week. NEXT. WEEK. I hope you've been practicing stomach-expansion exercises and weird-uncle debate prep because the holidays are pummeling your way at the speed of light.  BONE APPLE TEA!  WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the nom-nom all-stars, Short Stack Editions!  Short Stack Editions is a series of small-format cookbooks authored by America's top culinary talents. Each book is packed with original, home kitchen-tested recipes that offer new ways to enjoy your favorite ingredients. Each Short Stack focuses on a single ingredient and is written by a single author. High fives and lip smacks for stellar design, tasty treats, and holiday festivities! Each winner gets a Finger Food Freaker and a pack of Short Stacks featuring 3 editions: Maple Syrup, Apples, and Sweet Potatoes! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Instagram and show us fun things YOU do with food. Use the hashtag #ShortStackFood for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

FACT: Not all heroes wear capes. Today we celebrate the fact that heroes are all around us, they live, breathe, and walk amongst us. We love you. Thank you. Veterans, we salute you to infinity and beyond. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 8 care packages this week featuring the American-made all-stars of Liberty Bottleworks! Using US sourced materials, Liberty Bottles are made with high grade recycled aluminum, using environmentally-friendly manufacturing processes. Liberty also gives veterans preference in the hiring process. "We believe that making our products in America is not only a duty but an honor. Our bottles are made in America by American workers and hiring preference is given to those who have served our country. We call it ethical discrimination." Each winner gets a special Liberty bottle designed after a Freaker style, a Nose Job Freaker, and socks to match! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Facebook, find this graphic, and tell us a tale of your American hero in the comments for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

There are eleven days before the election. Instead of going into a spiral of chaos, let's take a moment to salute democracy, wave a hat to civil participation, appreciate the concept of national conversation, and incoherently chant USA! USA! USA! while pounding hotdogs and the fictional legacy of Ron Swanson. Because #America. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the Brooklyn designers at Penham Supply Co! "We set out to design and supply quality products with a refreshing aesthetic. Our products are locally made using green materials exclusively from the U.S.A." The Champion Bandana is a whirlwind of American victory, national pride, and a collective fist pump. Yes, please. Each winner gets a Champion Bandana from Penham Supply, and their political team's Freaker & Freaker Feet set! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Instagram and show us how you're an American Champion. Use the hashtag #PenhamFreaker for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

Halloween is saucy, and so are you. We're here to celebrate with the sauciest of sauces! Let the games begin. We have 5 care packages this week featuring the saucy concoctions of Humble House Foods! Natural. Sustainable. Delicious. Zero additivies. And with locally sourced ingredients, the fine folks at Humble House are doing it right. "The process itself is quite simple, we puree the ingredients and allow the batch to age for 60 days. The aging is the real magic. It allows the flavors to develop beautifully, while the heat from the chiles mellows out to a nice simmer." Made in San Antonio with love. Each winner gets a Humble House mini hot sauce set, a Scary Garcia Freaker, and a matching pair of Freaker Feet!Get on Facebook, find this graphic, and show us the Halloween costume you're most proud of for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

Autumn hits all the senses. The air is cooler, the colors more vivid, and the flavors are ...mmmm, how-do-you-say....comfy. And let's not forget the smells. Bonfires, pumpkins, nutmeg, and the leftover gutters of Halloween at 3am. Are you excited yet? Damn right you are. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the hoppy heroes of Damn Handsome Grooming Co! You may remember Damn Handsome from their iconic Americana beer bar-soaps. GUESS WHAT, SKIPPY? They're back at it again with a new line of hoppy candles, pump soaps, and lip balm.With scents like Pumpkin Spice Beer soaps and Hoppy Apple Cider candles, Damn Handsome has us in a spiral of autumnal celebration. "In most breweries across the US approximately 90% of brewed ingredients go to waste, needless to say, the husband and wife team at Damn Handsome Grooming Co. saw this as “untapped” potential, especially because many of those “bottom of the barrel” ingredients are naturally good for your skin." Each winner gets their choice of a Damn Handsome candle or pump soap, a Damn Handsome lip balm, and a Ghost-Face Freaker! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Instagram and show us your favorite fall tradition with the hashtag #DamnFreaker for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

There are few things American pop culture loves more than bacon: Beyonce, cat videos, Beyonce again. What is it about bacon that bring all the boys to the yard? If you want to solve this mystery scientifically, you'll need to start from scratch. We're here to help. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the om nom noms of The Original Bacon Kit! Based in Seattle, 7th West Charcuterie brings the art of charcuterie into your own home. The bacon kit contains everything you need to make 5 lbs of delicious homemade bacon. The only fresh ingredient you need to purchase is pork belly! (Oooh, all this breakfast talk is bacon us blush.) Each winner gets a bacon kit, a Jean Claude Van Ham Freaker, and a matching pair of Freaker Feet! HOW TO ENTER: Get on Facebook, find this graphic, and show us something Americans love more than bacon for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

Yesterday was the first official day of autumn. Cue the pumpkin spice apocalypse, bonfire marathons, and spiral-de-brutality of coordinated halloween costumes. Before the whirlwind of leaves and sleeves gets too hectic - sit down, find a chill pill, a deep breath, and a warm cup of tea. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the loveliness of Flying Bird Botanicals!  Nestled in the romanticism of the Pacific Northwest, Flying Bird Botanicals makes organic artisan teas and warm moments.  "Our teas are always made with only organically farmed and ethically wildcrafted herbs- looking first to our local community for sourcing. Our overseas purchases are made with our global community at heart. We source our spices from fair trade certified farms and our teas from small gardens growing their plants with care using heirloom traditions passed down for hundreds of years." There's no better way to ease into autumn than with a warm cup of happiness. Flying Bird is here to help. Each winner gets a tea tin from Flying Bird Botanicals, a Tortoise & the Hair Freaker and a pair of matching Freaker Feet!  HOW TO ENTER: Get on Facebook, find this graphic, and leave us a comment with your favorite part about autumn for your chance to win!  Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

Thousands of years from now when historians are studying the era of the American Empire, they will revel in our humanitarian instinct (#SaveNelly y'all), our civil society (all Youtube comments were mysteriously deleted in 2017), and our unparalelled arts and culture spotlight with more enthusiasm than a thousand wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube-men: TAILGAITIN. We're here today to push that agenda. Let's see that school spirit in action, young grasshoppers. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 30 (YES! 30!) care packages this week featuring our line of licensed collegiate Freakers & Freaker Feet! One size fits all, made in America, small business cheerleaders, you know the drill. Now let us shower you in presents. HOW TO ENTER: Get on Instagram and show us your school spirit with the hashtag #FreakerCollege for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

Today we answer the call of nature and attempt to solve one of the greatest mysteries of the known world: If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a pair of sunglasses? WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the coastal Carolina craftsmanship of Legacy Eyewear! Handmade. Polarized. Shatterproof. Floatable. Rad. Pete Duncan crafts the wooden sunglasses of Legacy Eyewear in a little port city close to our own hearts - Wilmington, NC. Legacy just launched a Kickstarter campaign for their new line of glasses, and are currently offering all glasses at wholesale prices! With a successful campaign, they'll launch new styles, upgrade their equipment and evolve the eco-conscious small boutique shop into a sustainable enterprise. Three hips and a hooray for small business pioneers! USA! USA! USA! Each winner will get a pair of Legacy Eyewear glasses, a Water World Freaker, and a pair of matching Freaker Feet. HOW TO ENTER: Get on Facebook, find this graphic, and leave us a comment with your favorite nature joke for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!

You are what you eat. This idiom has always seemed darkly cannibalistic. What broccoli eats other broccoli? Gnarly twisted loony broccoli, that's who. And that's the most metal thing we've ever heard. Children, by definition, are idiots. One of the reasons you were told scare-tactic myths as a child is because you believed them to be law. Cross your eyes and they'll get stuck like that. If you keep playing with it, it's going to fall off. If you keep trying to eat the cardboard cereal box, you'll sprout goat horns. As adults, we're still idiots, but it's great because we get to consciously choose which hyperboles we trust. You are what you eat is still a crowd favorite, possibly because of it's wonky undertones. Rise of the cuckoo carrots? The crackpot cucumbers? Bonker beets? Sign us up for that wild ride anyday. WHAT YOU'RE WINNING: We have 5 care packages this week featuring the all-star treats of Tater Tats! Conceived via giggles, farmhands, and Kickstarter - Tater Tats makes wearable vegetables for the foodies in all of us. The smile brigade at Tater Tots give 10% of all sales to supporting local farms. Each purchase helps plant fruit orchards, build hoop houses, and install fences, funding projects that make good food and good farming, work. YUM. Each winner will get a pack of veggie tattoos from Tater Tats, a Tropickle Freaker, and a pair of Freaker Feet to match! HOW TO ENTER:You are what you eat? Prove it. Get on Instagram and show us how you are what you eat. Use the hashtag #TaterFreak for your chance to win! Winners announced in our Tuesday newsletter!