QUESTION: I have a baby. I also enjoy bum-wine. Is the Freaker for me?
ANSWER: A match made in heaven, gumdrop. One-Size-Fits-All is no fib or fable. Your little one's sippy cup can be just as freaked as your forty ounces of Colt. And also your mom's wine and your kid sister's Nalgene and your dad's beer and the vase you sometimes regretably send flowers to your ex in.
QUESTION: I put my Freaker on a fire hydrant. (It was AMAZING!) But now the little guy is a little flabby. Can I shrink my Freaker back down to it's original size?
ANSWER: The consequences of freaking a fire hydrant are slim to none! Freakers are machine washable!! Just throw it in the next time you run out of clean underwear... and WAH-LAH!
QUESTION: Does the Freaker really insulate or are you just trying to get in my pants?
ANSWER: It really insulates! We promise! ...Are those new shoes? You smell great.
QUESTION: I heard through the grapevine that you have a travelling party-house boxtruck keeping the spirit of Freak alive via grilled-cheese parties. Is this true?! CAN I HAS?!
ANSWER: All the rumors are true! The freak-mobile is not currently on tour, but we’re always open to bribes, babes & blackmail if you want us at your upcoming event, grilling you with our cheese! Shoot us an email! Let’s chat!
QUESTION: My Freaker doesn't fill the inner void of emotion like I thought it would/ Twas lost in the pigeon-carrier mail-system /Just plain isn't freaky enough.
ANSWER: So. You want a refund? You got 1 week to let us know and mail it back, buddy, and the clock is a-tickin. Be sure to let us know who you are and also know that we won't accept Freakers that you stomped on or that your dog ate.
QUESTION: I desperately need to be freaked but I'm in Swaziland! HALP!!!
ANSWER: No fear, cowpie. Freaking Swaziland is #1 on our priority book! We ship internationally, fo sho! Our prices are calculated by UPS, so please don't yell at us if the pigeon-carriers ask for all of your worldly belongings in exchange.
QUESTION: i went to a concert and all of the naked bottles gave me a panic attack! i could totally sell 69,000,000,000 freakers out of my ice-cream truck!
ANSWER: Whoa, nelly! We know the feeling! however, we don't currently have a street team because we don't want to make our beloved retail-stores cry with the pangs of jealousy. someday, when we have an army of freakwarriors freaking the masses, we'll let you know!
QUESTION: …. but “my ice-cream truck” is the name of my specialty boutique, you jerk.
ANSWER: Oh! Great store name! You'll need to fill our wholesale application! For all information about wholesale accounts, you can go here! For all other questions, you have my full permission to harass Alisha at firstname.lastname@example.org !!!