Merry Freakin Christmas: A Bedtime Story

This is a Christmas story. It's about the search for knit truth in a dark world of sweaters and poorly-made beverage accessories. 

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a Freaker family....


There was a Freaker papa and a Freaker mama and a Freaker manchild. They lived in the woods and even though they couldn't always dress themselves properly, they had a collection of holiday sweaters that would induce a panic-attack-of-joy in 1983. 

One December afternoon, while they were posing for nothing in particular, a Freaker-Grinch descended upon them in a fit of fury. It's name was "Neoprene." 

In ancient Norse mythology, the demon Neoprene wreaked havoc upon Freakers worldwide! With his imported flim, he snuck up on the Freaker family and gave his most bellowing bellow of doom! (It went a little something like this: "mwaaaaaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaaaa")

The demon Neoprene gargled some classic jerk-phrases like "I'm going to eat your Freaker Manchild and then set Christmas on FIRE! Mwaaahahaha."  The Freaker family was so repulsed by the evils of Neoprene that all of their panties immediately wadded. They proceeded to beat each other out of delusion. 

The Freaker mama spun out of control and suddenly started speaking as though she were an 73 year old chainsmoker from Lithuania. It was horrible. 

The Freaker papa couldn't stand the chaos any longer! He opened his mouth of valor and firmly ...yawned. Then he said in a very polite tone "Hi Neoprene. Please leave our family alone. You're plasticity makes us uncomfortable." (From the background of the pleasant scene, the Freaker mama gives a raspy scream "And you look cheap like sad hooker from old country!" and the Freaker Manchild proceeded to cry.)

The demon Neoprene at once saw the Freaker Family for what they were: a raving stew of joy. He knew that he could not compare to their freaky freakiness. He wept for his demise ...and then POOF he exploded into a cloud of glitter. 

The Freaker Family rejoiced for Christmas was saved! They continued to dress themselves and lived happily ever after in knit-insulation glory. 

The end.