Zooey: The Showdown

Zooey Deschanel continues to be the thread that will unravel the delicate sweater that is Freaker, USA.

This epic ping-pong match of love has proved disastrous on a Monday afternoon. Zach and Justin have each entrenched themselves on opposite sides of the office, and the Freaker Team is starting to take sides.

A love triangle this epic echoes the struggle felt between two historical bros who let their lady come between them. Just to refresh your memory: Mark Antony kills Julius Caesar, his best friend and military conquest buddy, then himself. Shortly after, grief stricken from losing her two lovers, Cleopatra allows a snake to bite her, thus ending histories greatest bro-fight.


                          Zach                               Zooey                                  Justin

If history truly does repeat itself, we could have a big problem here! Imagine, briefly, a world without Zach and Justin. Production would come to a standstill, and the world would be in danger of moist handshakes once again. Plus, smiling would be “so 2012” as people could only frown in this dystopian future. 

This needs to be settled once and for all. This special blog post will lay everything on the line to see which of these fine bachelors will win the hand of our beautiful "Egyptian Queen".


It is a widely accepted fact that Zooey hates cheesy pick up lines. So for the first round of our decision making process, we give Zach a demerit. He is guilty for such atrocities as Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?” ”Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” “Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you!”


Zooey Deschanel looooves dirty jokes. There is a clear winner in this category: Our friend, Justin. He once told a joke that was so dirty, tide’s stock went up six points. 

For the sake of our younger readers, we are just going to concede this one to him. One gold star for Justin.


 Zooey is wayyy into pajamas. One time, Zach wore his trademark pirate/pajama pants for three weeks straight. This might not be exactly what our maven had in mind, but you can bet that is what she is going to get! Thumbs up, Zach!

For those of you keeping score at home, after three round we have Zach, with one “demerit” and one “thumbs up,” and Justin has come away with the coveted “gold star”.

Still too close, huh? We agree. 

If only there were a brave, young intern that could live up to the mythological metaphors we have already invoked.

Wait, what’s that? There is one?


Dear Zooey,

If you are reading this I want nothing more than to eat fish sandwiches and sip Courvoisier cognac on the beach with you.

Lets run away together.

Love always,

Matt the Intern

Have a nice week Freakerworld!