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After a long treacherous journey down Decision Road, we finally choose two interns.
So many qualified and capable candidates applied for the position and we would like to take a moment and thank the less-than-perfect economy for sending all these kids our way for an unpaid internship. We did what any good business would do: we pitted them against each other in a sea of threats and challenges. These were two that made it out alive.
Were you one of the applicants that didn't "win" the position? Here are some reasons why you actually won at life in general by not getting the job:
Meet Sarah. She's an intern. She use to enjoy photography and D'Angelo. That was before she thought it was a good idea to be our intern. Now she's signed her fate to a future of inexplicable furry-costumes and electrical drudgery.
This is Jenna. She said that she was artistic. You know what else is artistic? Cleaning supplies and industrial paint jobs. We present you with your hopes and dreams realized.
So you thought you were applying to work with a loving small business that fostered creativity?
YOU WERE WRONG, SUCKER. We're giving these little Cinderellas a fun-time dosage of hard labor. Scrubbing scum. Huffing mold. Violating labor laws like it is their job. (But that's only a figure of speech because it's not their job. It's their internship.)
One of their many tasks and duties involves helping us get the new office "up to code." That involves legal decorating.
For example, every business legally needs an Exit Sign (editor's note: this probably isn't true) ...Ours just happens to be on the edge of the roof. Thought you could escape, girls? HAH.
Don't feel pity for these birds though, our interns found a happy ending for their first day. When cleaning the fake-kitchen (true story: our office was a One Tree Hill set) they found a Tuesday liquor stash.
And they all lived happily ever after.
(If any labor-law professionals, parents of interns, or future prospective employees are reading this please know that we kid. No interns were harmed in the interning. They have to sign the Worker's Contract just like everyone else BECAUSE EQUALITY.)