Adventures in the Unknown

Once upon a time, Benson, North Carolina existed. With a population of 3,000 lovely citizens, Benson led a pleasant life in the tobacco fields & barn silos until one day something enormous happened. Benson woke up from a nap & had a sudden vision:

"What if I made a lake & then put a trampoline in the middle of it? Oh! I could have water slides & rope swings & make it a magical fairyland for muddy children?! OOH! I could put it off of I40 so that everyone could see how much fun these little nuggets are having and then they would want to have fun too!" thought Benson, North Carolina. It would have been philanthropic gesture of good fun if it had NOT fallen back to sleep only to wake up with THIS vision:

"What if I made this magical place, but tricked all innocent passerbys into thinking that 'Just 'cause it's right there, it must be easy to get to!' YEAH! That would be hysterical! Then I could make them drive for 45 minutes around corn fields! MY PLAN IS BRILLIANT!"

And so it was. 

Recently, the Freakerteam did the unthinkable. They found the magical lake in Benson, North Carolina:

The day began like any day should: with a trip to the dollar store for floaties & metallic lick-on tattoos. Head banging was involved, because after all... this is America. #FreeToFloat2012

Have you bedazzled your beard today? Good. Just checking that we're all on the same page here. 

Due to the inherent characteristics of who we are, collectively ... we got distracted from Tucker Lake by a barn on the side of a country road. Listen, it's not our fault, okay? There was a blue bus that said "LADIES WELCOME" and stolen state signs covered in poorly-executed defacement. 

This particular one reads: "Comon, they tried this in Berlin but it didn't work. Castle Hayne needs to step up their game and bring BOLT CUTTERS!" (Also of particular note: Dan is wearing blue nail polish on his feet.) 

Also in the field of forgotten wonders! Lady-readers, I know your love for beauty magazines so, just this once, I will let you know how to "get this look."

Miss Leigh is wearing floaties from the dollar store and a men's tshirt from a terrible-place-that-will-not-be-mentioned with an eagle & American flag that she cut with children's scissors in the back of a boxtruck. Her floral Coors Light hat is really in this season!

You can get Lauren's look by finding a relatively old "bra" and pretending that it's a bathing suit. Her shorts were once pants she found for $3, but didn't wear for 6 years and you can obtain a similarly styled shirt by letting your guard down when squirrely men sneakily try to steal your clothing.  

And there it is, women of the world! Fashionistas unite! 

After exhausting the field of forgotten wonders & potentially very-illegally defaced government property, we finally found Tucker Lake. Above is a photograph that a terrified 15 year old "summer job" finally agreed to take. When we all become rich and famous, we're going back to pay Tucker Lake a gazillion dollars for that fiberglass Walrus Lifeguard to be our office bouncer. True story, bro. 

Moral of the Story: If you get the chance to joyride in the back of a spaceship to the middle of nowhere through the dirty south in a valiant quest to find a manmade lake with rope-swings & corndogs.... You should probably do it.